Confidence. My daily struggle.

I know we've all posted about this before at one time or another. The battle with confidence in the saddle is real and on going for many of us. I've always been a bit anxious in the saddle in certain circumstances but usually was able to compartmentalize it and do the thing. High school I was my bravest. College I started having some trouble qualms now and then but always womaned up and go through anything.

The older I got the less confidence I seemed to have but usually a good experience and I was fine (like jumping a new height at a show with Twister the first time. Knots in my gut turned into excitement with how easy we did it).

Since having  SJ, I have more anxiety when it comes to riding than ever before. I have this motherly instinct of self-preservation that takes over. Don't. Get. Hurt. I have a baby who needs me. It's really effected my riding and I know it's in part why Curtis can get so stupid.

Tuesday I went jumping at T's. The jumps were 18"-2' and yet, 5 weeks into weekly jumping days, I am still trotting them and holding him back. I know he would jump so much better if he cantered and if I got out of his mouth and started following his motion instead of grabbing mane and oh shit handle.

I don't NEED to jump so why am I? Because each time I get the tiniest bit braver. That as long as I'm still trying I'm at least not quitting. Because I don't want my daughter to ask why I won't jump. Because I'd have to tell her it's because I let my anxiety win.

It's not all teeth grinding, jaw clenching, knots in my gut bad. Usually after the 1st few I relax even if I don't relax enough to do a proper release or canter. And I do have fun. And Curtis needs to mix it up now and then. And T is a great cheer leader. She encourages me to step out if that comfort zone when I get stuck and exerts just enough peer pressure to keep me from sitting there going "nah I think I'll just jump xrails forever" (Curtis trots xrails not actually jumps so it doesn't even count lol)

We did our 1st baby oxer Tuesday and I rode in my cc saddle and rode like shit but Curtis was extremely forgiving. My person says if I can't trust Curtis I need to go back to riding Twister but the truth is at this point in my riding life I'd have a hard time in Twister too. I for sure did at both hunter paces last year until we were way into it and even then certain spots or jumps had me wishing I could just not.

My person I think tries to egg me on to get me to want to grow a set and do the things I'm struggling with. But I'd rather he just be positive about the little things we do great. He says if I've been riding horses more than half my life I should know how to deal with horses when they give me shit or shouldn't be afraid. But I spent so long riding school horses and never learned how to deal with super naughty shitheads. He has been riding since a kid and has nerves of steel and can ride any horse. Not everyone can ride like him and he doesn't get that. And my confidence has regressed with age. Maybe someday when SJ gets older I'll get it back. Who knows.

The way I see it is that as long as I'm doing the thing that sometimes scares me and give me anxiety I'm still braver than someone who quits. And when I get through it, it's the best feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I should give it all up. But then the weather sucks for a month and I can't ride and I miss it so bad, anxiety and all, that I know giving it up isn't an option.

Hope for us yet

Yesterday I went with the girls to Blackhorse Stables to a schooling show to try and have a non-explosive ride on Curtis in a show environment. I love Blackhorse. I did a CT there with Twister 4 years ago and it was probably my favorite show I took him to. Everyone is super friendly and helpful and it's a relatively quiet show.

Curtis spent the night at T's with Question so we had at least 2 of 3 in the same place and good thing too because the weather on the way to the show is terrible. Raining so hard we could hardly see.

It stopped raining by the time we got there and we had stalls so we could all just relax. After T's awesome rides on Question (his 1st show and getting 2 1sts) I started walking Curtis all over. No tack. Just let him see everything. We visited the dressage and the jumping warm-ups and he went in the indoor(he's never been in an indoor) and got a good look at the jumps in the stadium ring and checked out the food trucks. He was very relaxed the whole time. When D went to warm up for her test I tacked up Curtis and lead him back to the warm up.

Even tacked up he was still being really good but I was now so nervous I could puke. He was being good and I was under no pressure to ride him or be on time for a show. T had him on a lead when I got on and lead us around for a bit while we determined whether or not he was going to turn into an explosive animal.

I really didn't care that I looked like a leadliner. If they saw Curtis in May they'd all be thankful he was on a lead and not able to kill anyone. But he stayed mostly focused and after a few I went solo on him and started walk-trot transitions and a big circle around some xc jumps.

There were 5 or 6 other horses out there warming up but all the riders were very respectful of our space and it was a huge field so plenty if room for all of us. At one point a horse went into his canter somewhat near us and I could feel Curtis briefly tense under me as if he was going to buck or bolt after the horse and I sat deep (a finger hooked in my neckstrap so I didn't pull on his mouth) and gave him an "nuh uh!" And he instantly returned his focus to me.

I was all smiles. He was amazing. I was amazing and now I know we got this. It's going to take more time for him to fully learn shows don't = races and for me to get my full confidence back on him but we can do this.

He hates kissies but I wanted
to give him all the kissies

I don't know if it's the magnesium working or the sound reduction bonnet or the fact that I wasn't worried about being on time and riding a test or the glass of wine I had before I tacked up or the quieter venue or the weekly trips off the farm.....so many factors. But whatever it was something worked. And I am thrilled.

Back home with his buds

Fit horses get frisky

So Monday was jumpies day and when I warmed Curtis up he was giving me so gorgeous trot. His canter over there is not so great compared to home and also his transitions into it are terrible. I don't understand. It was a beautiful day and I think the cooler weather was getting to him because he kept spooking at things he's seen there 100x. Like the pigeons. They'd flap. He'd leap. Repeat 54x because you clearly have never seen them before. Or cows. Or other horses. All foreign. *insert giant brain viewing eyeroll here*

The sound reduction bonnet I bought didn't fit so I sent it back and ordered another which still isn't here but should have been by Monday.

He's also been on magnesium for over a week now. I was doing it to use as a calming supplement but he also ticks almost every box in the magnesium deficiency chart. It's a cheap thing to try too if you can find a store that sells it really cheap in bulk. I probably won't see a change for a few weeks though. It has to get into his system.

So anyways...I'm rambling. The best part of Monday's ride is when I went to canter him over a little verticle. He hit the ground throwing his head and trying to prop. It probably felt worse than it looked but at one moment I was hanging pretty far off the left side if him and thought I was going to hit the ground. BUT I STUCK IT. Of course I made him do the jump again and behave and I was just so thrilled I stuck the friskiness out because I am not a sticky rider. When we cooled our he went in the creek like a big boy, no hesitation.

Then Wednesday during our canter he had the wrong lead and when I put my leg on to ask him to switch he threw his legs over his head and tried to take off out of the arena. Fun stuff. Needless to say that yesterday when it was unseasonably cool and very windy I gave him the day off. Yes. I am a chicken shit. Personally I call it self preservation.

Sunday T, D and I are loading the ponies up and going to a show. They are riding tests and I am schooling without the pressure of riding a test or being on time for something. I probably need to drink a beer so I'm not the reason Curtis is tense.  😂  The plan is that Curtis will see his buddy Question acting calm and unworried and will copy his behavior so I can ride him a bit and go home feeling like maybe we can ride a test next month.

Not jumping in a dressage saddle
might help us a bit..

Monday jumpies

Last Tues I rode at T's and Curtis was perfect. Even got him in the creek with T's help. Then he had 4 days off due to rain and Saturday he was full of it. Crow hopping and bucking. Good stuff. I stayed on we finished on a good note. And Sunday he was great again and yesterday we went to T's again.

Jan (top) vs June (bottom)

This kid is a pro over there now. It's his home away from home. We warmed up nicely and jumped our 1st full course even though I'm sure it looked terrible and it was a trot-canter mix. At least he was behaved.

And then I got to ride T's mare. That was a blast. I was leg-yielding without even meaning to because she is so sensative. I want to show her now 😂

And we got talking about Curtis and how he is really sensative and while he knows his job and works well he's a bit adhd. Which I just attributed to him being a tb. But I came home and did some research and I'm ruling out ulcers and believe he is probably magnesium deficient. He ticks many of the boxes for it and only 1 for ulcers. And I'm putting him on a magnesium supplement anyways so hopefully I see some results.

When mom is riding another horse
and you jelly

T, D and I are going to a show in 2 weeks. Them to actually show and me to school Curtis. I'm picking up my 50lb bag of magnesium tomorrow and am going to start loading him up.